Sacrificies for Spock
by Lilmisscrazywithyaoi
Summary: Well the title sums it all up. Jim who have been secretly harboring a crush for his first officer were given a wake up call, when he overheard Bones confessing to Spock and vice versa of their feelings. Jim, as loyal as ever, decide to forget his feeling.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or its characters.

Lilmisscrazywithyaoi: I admit it...I love Star Trek after watching the movie..I especially love Kirk/Spock,

because as they say opposites attract...and they both have so much chemistry..The only thing i want to say

is that i don't have muck knowledge about star trek...so what ever is foreign to you guys, is just a made belief

for me....please enjoy...

* * *

Today is the day that Captain James T. Kirk will make a history. Take note of this day, ladies and gentlemen because today is the day that I'm going to confess my deepest feelings to my first officer.

Yes. My first officer. Spock.

Say whatever you want. You want to say I'm mad, go ahead. Foolish? Go ahead. Whatever it is, I love him. I think I fell in love with him when he ask for permission to come aboard the Enterprise. That was when my heart swells with pride to know that Spock, the half Human and Half Vulcan prodigy to choose Enterprise and work on her. I wanted to make Spock my friend, that is why I have been extending invites for him to join me at my quarters for a game of chess.I would say we have a mutual friendship now. I told him things that I never told Bones before and he told me about his feelings about the destruction ofVulcan. I felt blessed to hear that from him. He was telling me all this willingly.

Speaking of Bones, I noticed the tension between Spock and Bones. Can't have the two important people in my life arguing like cats and dogs. I invited Spock and Bones over for dinner and surprisingly, it went well. I feel like I'm the luckiest man on Earth and galaxy now that Spock and Bones are such good friends. Even now, if I'm busy with my duties, Bones and Spock will have dinner together and Spock will assist Bones in medical problems.

I finally arrive in front of Spock's room, hand reaching out to alert Spock of my presence but something made me halt. Or rather some voices.

* * *

"I do not see how your confession of feelings will improve our friendship," said Spock.

"Spock, please. I'm telling you. I love you. Don't you feel the same way too," asked someone, who strangely sounds like

someone I know.

"Leonard. I can't."

_I gasp...I couldn't believe my ears..Bones? What is he doing? What is Spock saying? They are playing a trick on me. Any minute now, Spock will come out and just say it's just a joke that both him and Bones make up just to irritate me. Any minute now.  
_

"Why, Spock? Because of Jim? You're afraid he will think we will leave him just because we are a couple?"

" Affirmative"

" Then we can keep it a secret from him, Spock. We don't need to tell him first. After we're comfortable we can tell him. Please Spock..I love you"

" I...I share your feelings too Leonard"

_My heart broke into million pieces when I hear Spock's feelings for Bones. I felt tears building on my eyelid but I did not want to cry. Crying means that all of this is real and Spock is someone'e else now. I have lost him. It felt like somebody just step on my heart and repeatedly stab it with a sharp knife. Why didn't they want me to know about them? Am I such a bad friend to them?  
_

" Then you agree to be mine?"

" Affirmative, Leonard"

" Thank god Spock! Thank you so much! You just made me the happiest man on Space!"

_And now I'm the loser. I brought them together and now. This is all my fault to begin with. My two important people in my life is in love with each other, why shouldn't I support them. I care for them. If they want to be together, they have my consent. Anybody who disagree will have to answer to me. I'm glad Bones have found someone that he love and Spock too. I have to help them keep their relationship a secret from everyone, even from me. But why oh why does my soul feel like it's no longer there? Hearing to Bones joyful voice and Spock's loving words make me determine to forget my feelings and help them in their relationship. After all, who want me, Captain James T. Kirk, the manwhore. Not even a Vulcan want me..Haha..how pathetic.._

Without my knowledge, I arrive at my quarters and went inside. I lay on my bed, hoping for sleep to come and relieve me of what I had just saw. But it never came, I was forced to play the memories because of my eidetic memory. I finally went to sleep, with tears on my face and Spock's name on my lips.

* * *

Lilmisscrazywithyaoi: Doing the conversation for Spock was difficult, you know!! Haiz..I almost cry when I typed this story...

any suggestion for the next chap? Kirk angst here...haiz...he's so pitiful..lost his father when he was a newborn, mom did not care about him since he was a baby and now he had just lost his loved one to his best friend who was always there for him. of course, Kirk will do his best for his best friend even to forgo his feelings for Spock..Haiz..where could we find a man like this? DAMN YOU SPOCK...!!!!!!!!!!!Please revieew.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Do not own Star Trek or its characters…

Lilmisscrazywithyaoi: Enjoy people. It was quite late because I really got no idea and not many people came to review…haiz…should I just abandon this story?

* * *

I woke up, feeling like something heavy is pressing down hard on my heart…Recalling back what had happened yesterday, I could feel tears pooling up on my eyes.

_Spock_….

I lost him to my best friend who I cherished and treated like an older brother. He will be happy with Bones, I'm sure of that. Bones is such a romantic, loyal, caring, smart man that he will be so compatible with Spock. What do I have compare to Bones?

I'm not a romantic, hell many people had come and go in my life that I started to make myself numb myself from loving them. Loving them is equivalent to getting your heart shatter into million pieces. Loyal? I had betrayed many people in my whole life more than Bones. Bones is like the ray of hope that came into my life and makes me see what I have been missing from the day I was born. He shows me love and compassion. Without him, I think I will just hang around and wasted my young life back at home. With Spock intelligence and Bones quick-thinking, they can be a formidable team. Unlike me and Spock.

I'm not a genius as what Spock and Bones thought I was. I had to work hard to get where I am now. The days where Bones thought I was playing around with girls or having sex, actually I was studying. Studying? If somebody ask what do James Tyberius Kirk do whenever he's free, most will say "He's having sex" none of them had actually taken their time to actually see what I was doing. Just because it was that one time that I had sex because I needed to relieve my stress and somebody actually saw the incident, they assume that I lived on sex.

Maybe that's the reason why Spock doesn't even considered me as a potential mate. Who am I kidding? Of course he wouldn't. Who would want me huh? A man whore, an orphan. Even my own mother did not bother about me just because my face is nearly the same as dad's. I could see the hurt in her eyes but couldn't she also see the hurt in my eyes? I lost a father, mother and now the love of my life. Maybe it's retribution. Maybe I shouldn't be born. If I was not born, perhaps mom and dad will be happy and maybe have a loving family on Earth. And also I wouldn't have fallen in love with Spock.

_Spock_

Stop it James. He's not yours anymore and never will be. He's Bones and will be. You can't be selfish, James like what you always do. This is your best friend's happiness, you can't sabotage it. The only thing you can do is to put a smile on your face and forget about your love. Get up now and show the world that nothing affect you even though your heart is breaking, crying and bleeding. Show the smile which you always use whenever somebody mention about your dad though your heart is aching. Smile and hide every trace of sadness and smile and maybe tomorrow you'll find that life is still worthwhile.

Show them you are happy for them and protect them from the scrutinizing eyes of the federation and the glares of hatred, discrimination. Help them think that their relationship is not wrong and do not overstep the laws of the federation. Protect them even though you're hurt because they are your most precious people in the whole wide world.

* * *

_So empty, can't feel no more,  
As I'm left with my tears on the floor  
I wait for my heart to mend,  
But you keep tearing a hole_

_Inside, I'm so lost, _ _  
In the middle of my heart  
It's a battlefield of love,  
I've been fighting for too long_

_And now I'm shattered, _ _  
(From the chip in my heart, kept taking it till it broke)  
Oh how it hurts  
(Felt) it slipped from your hand, hit the ground and now it's shattered)  
I'm so shattered  
(Can't believe it was me, I'm so shattered)  
So shattered  
(Can't believe, you and me, ahh)  
So shattered_

_I'm shattered, cut from with-inside, oh_


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or its character...How I wish I could...Haiz..

Lilmisscrazywithyaoi: Haiz..i seriously thinking whether continuing this or not..My god..it hurts my heart when i think about abandoning this story..or i could give this story to anybody who's interested and they can continue it anyway they want?

* * *

Alone.

I'm feeling so lonely. My heart feels like it's not beating. Is it dead?Is my feeling for Spock making me like this? Why am I like this? Why? Is there any cure?

Please.

Somebody please come and rescue me. I'm drowning in the happiness of my most important people. I can see it in Bones eyes when he comes to the bridge to report to me. His eyes will scan through the bridge and when his eyes caught the attention of the Vulcan, his eyes shone brightly. I turned away, I did not want to see the loving gazes that both of them share.

After what it felt like hours when it was actually seconds, Bones hand me the PDA to sign some documents. I just took it, avoiding his gaze. I did not want to stare up and see the eyes that are full of love for Spock. I thanked him and averted my attention to an ensign working on Sulu's project.

After finishing my shift, I went down to the cafeteria hoping that I will not meet Bones or Spock. But of course, God don't like me and there they are. Sitting side to side, whispering in hush voices and holding hands in the middle of the cafeteria. Lucky for them, there was nobody there. When I went down to the cafeteria, I thought there was nobody there because it is quite late, and most people will be asleep. If there was anybody, they surely will be scandalized by this public affection from Spock. Holding hands for a Vulcan means a full-fledged make out on Earth.

My eyes burned not from the view that was presented but from the intensity that they both held. When somebody says that your eyes is the window to your soul, I thought that was bullshit, but now witnessing this moment, I could saw the love that both of them share and it hurts me. Physically and mentally. It felt like my heart is being tightly squeezed and I know that I couldn't do anything to stop them then. Couldn't bear to. I rather die than ever do those kinds of things to them.

I coughed lightly, soft to be heard by the human ears but loud enough for a Vulcan to hear. When Spock heard me coughing, he immediately let go off his hands and those loving warm eyes now turned into an icy steel eyes directed their gaze on me. I feel sad, disappointed, Spock only reserve those loving warm eyes for Bones only. But for me, those icy steel eyes just seems to penetrated into me and burning a hole in me.

I tried so hard and get so far but in the end it doesn't even matter. I had to fall to lose it all but in the end it doesn't even matter. The only thing that matter is my friend's happiness. That's it James! You're not going to be some pathetic love shit. You are going to show them that you're much stronger than them!

"Hey guys!"

"My god, Jim, give a man a break will ya? You want to give me a heart attack or something?" said Bones clutching his chest.

"Captain" said the beautiful voice that I had longed to hear from.

"Spock, Bones what are you guys doing in here?"

"If you cannot see with your eyes captain, we are having dinner in this cafeteria alone" said Spock

_Ouch..That hurts..He didn't have to say that I'm blind right? I could clearly see the relationship he's having with Bones and he dare to call me blind?_

"Obviously I know this is a cafeteria and I know you are having dinner but what I'm asking is why you never invite me when you wanted to go for dinner? I could have follow you, you know..

_Seeing the guilt on their faces after I had done saying that, was like a bittersweet victory for me. I felt relieved that at least I'm not the only one who's hurting here. Let them feel my pain._


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or its characters

* * *

"Captain…" the sweet voice called me.

"Ahh Uhura, care to join me for dinner?

"You shouldn't do this to yourself," she said.

"Hmm ? Do what? Eat this mushroom soup? Did they put anything weird inside?" I was puzzled. Please don't tell me they put something weird inside.

"Don't hurt yourself," said the quivering voice.

"What are you saying Uhura? I'm only eating, it's edible." I replied immediately, scared of the truth.

"Tell him your feelings. We know you're hurting and it hurts us too to see you withdrawn and not your usual self."

"For our sake captain, Jim please?" the voice pleaded.

* * *

Sigh, why they don't want to leave me alone and let me wallow in self-pity.

"How many have know about this?" I inquire.

"Everybody except both of them" said Uhura.

"I don't know what to do Uhura, a part of me wish them happiness but other part of me just want Spock to be mine. And I can't do that. Both of them will be hurt if I do so...

"How about You? Will you not be hurt too?"

"Uhura even if it hurt me what can I do? I love them enough not to do that. Besides there's no guarantee that Spock will reciprocate my feelings even if I tell him. Who would want me anyway?"

"I'm a nobody Uhura, a good for nothing. I'm not even that smart like Bones at least with Bones there's something that they could talk about. He will surely not find happiness being with somebody like me and I want him to be happy being with the one he loves..."

"What about the federation? At least If Spock with you the higher ups can close an eye but ..." asked Uhura.

"I will protect them Uhura...so their love will never be like mine...broken, shattered and pining for the one true love that will never come. I will protect them even if it cost me my career and life..."

"Why? Why are you saying this Jim?"

"Because I don't deserve it…"I said quietly.

"This is the punishment that I deserved for the death of my father, death of my comrades and the lost happiness of my mother…"

"You're wrong Jim. You deserved to be loved..."

I guess the look on my face when I heard that probably show that my poor heart had broken into million pieces.

Uhura, she… broke down. Broke down for a person like, a despicable man like me?

I'm too fucked up.

She is too kind, Uhura.

* * *

Why didn't he see that many people admire him for his courage and his faith in people? Leonard does not have that much faith with people and Spock do not have the courage to do what he wants...

Are the feelings of not being loved by the people that he cares about made him like this? His father died, his mum left him because she couldn't stand the sight of Jim, his brother abandoned him and now Spock with Leonard..

How could he still smile and go on with his life when he is suffering so much? How could he still think of the well being of others when he himself is not happy?

Jim... please, don't hurt yourself.

* * *

"All hands on deck!! I repeat all hands on deck!! We are being confronted by an unknown ship. Prepare yourselves for a incoming missile!!

* * *

A/N: a CLIFFHANGER!! AHHH..I'm so gonna kill myself..Sorry people..For the late update,,,please review..Danke..Thank you..Gracias..


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: hey late update..but i dedicate this story to those who have been patiently waiting for me and favoriting this story and reviewing.

Disclaimer: I do not own STAR TREK nor its characters..how i wish

"Mr Spock, walk with me," I said calmly.

"Captain with all due respect you shouldn't beam down there, the likelihood of the inhabitants being hostile is very high especially during times like these," said my first officer.

"You think I didn't know that before making this decision? I know that my life may be in danger, but you hear what their council wants right? They promised not to attack the enterprise if I agree to beam down and negotiate with them."

"Captain...there is a high chance of you getting injured down there captain, at least allow the security team to beam down with you to ensure your safety?"

I sighed. There's no arguing with my first officer during times like this. " Spock, Starfleet can afford to lose a captain but not the enterprise. She is far too valuable for the 'fleet."

"If I may ask sir, isn't your life valuable too captain?"

"Not to the people that I loved. Spock you're the acting captain now. Tell Sulu he's the first officer."

"If I don't beam back by 1750, leave the planet atmosphere and fly back to the Starfleet headquarters and report about this. Do not and I repeat do not attempt to initiate rescue mission without 'fleet permission. That is a direct order, understand?"

"Understood......Jim," the sweet voice called out my name. How I wish that name would be on his lips forever.

"Yes Spock?"

"Be safe," he said.

"Will do and Spock?" I called him without looking at him, fearing that if I look at his deep brown eyes, I will not be able to go on, to tell him something that will surely break my heart into million pieces.

"Yes captain?"

"Congratulations to you and Bones. He's a great man Spock...Don't let him go." At that instance, I felt the insides of me were trying to crawl its way out from my body, and I resist the urge to vomit and to just go to my quarters and drown in my sorrow.

"How did? Leo informed you?"

"Nope...I figured it out. Live long and prosper Spock..." Even a blind person could see it Spock. How did you expect me not to see it, when I always keep my eyes on you?

"Understood...Jim?" I called his name, to make him look at me while I stared deep into his endless blue eyes to find the assurance that I always associate him with.

I wished him safe in his journey even though there's a high probability that he will injure himself.

The captain then calls my name...softly I may add, his loud brash voice had been replaced by a warm and soft voice and was directed at me…

I directed my gaze back to the captain and he congratulate me and Leonard..

To say that I was not shocked is an understatement, to know that the captain was aware of mine and Leo relationship. But I didn't let the emotion to be portrayed on my face as it was illogical for a Vulcan to show emotion.

I was pleasantly surprised and mentally, I heaved a sign of relief that Jim was not mad or offended by what humans call an 'inappropriate relationship' during times like this.

But his last greeting was full of emotion, it's was not like what he always portray even when he was emotionally compromised. It sounded like a farewell greeting. A greeting that sounded like we would not meet again after completing this mission.

Perhaps I'm assuming too much. It may just be a mere farewell greeting for Jim. I must go and convey the captain order's.

"Scotty how we're doing?"

"We're set and ready to beam down captain!" he said enthusiastically.

"A job well done Scotty, ready to energize?"

"Jim? Where do you think you're going?" asked Bones.

"Bones? What are you doing here?" I asked, clearly wondering why Bones is doing at the transportation room.

"I'm supposed to be asking you that question, what are you thinking beaming down without a security team?"

" I thought I ordered you to stay on the bridge and assist Mr Spock? I said with my voice full of authority.

"Yes you did captain, but I don't deserved to call myself the chief medical officer of this ship if I do not take care of the captain well-being." He countered back.

"Bones I'm going to say it one time, go to bridge and assist Spock. I can take care of myself."

"Jim…!"

"Energize"

I felt the tingling sensation of my body being dematerialize and the last thought that I had was for Bones.

'Be happy, Bones'

The alpha shift has ended approximately 10 minutes and 53 seconds ago. I find myself, worrying about the captain, it has been 2 hours since his departure. But the feeling that I am feeling now urge me to meditate in my quarter and reassess today's event. Instead I find myself unknowingly walked to the captain's quarter. I didn't know why I brought myself here but as what the captain always say, 'Will take care of that later', I find myself over riding the captain's codes.

His room was bare. With nothing personal in it except for a few basic necessities. As if there was nobody who had occupied this room for the past 2 years. I gaze around his room when something of Jim's caught my eyes.

Sitting there on his table was a cassette player. I was curious as far as I know, cassette player and tapes are extinct on Earth as humans now prefer the portable music player known as Ipod.

Humans are so…fascinating.

I picked up the player and there was a tape inside. I clicked on the play button. I didn't know that the captain was the type of person to use such antique cassette player. He surprised me more each passing day. The music then starts to play.

_Oh oh oh..._

_I was already there_  
_Standing there like a shadow_  
_I was already there_  
_Always ready to catch you_  
_But you'll never know_  
_How much it hurts_  
_To know that your love_  
_Won't be returned_  
_I was already there_  
_Knowing I'll never have you_

_Cause your love shines like roses_  
_Beautiful, but when I try to hold it_  
_The thorns cut me every time_  
_Don't know why I even try_  
_Still I can't stop reaching for it_

_I was already there_  
_Loving you since the first day_  
_I was already there_  
_Still you never looked my way_  
_You've never seen_  
_How long I waited_  
_And how much I dreamed_  
_My life away_  
_Wishing you could be here_  
_But I know it's impossible_

_Cause your love shines like roses_  
_Beautiful, but when I try to hold it_  
_The thorns cut me every time_  
_Don't know why I even try_  
_Still I can't stop reaching for it_

_Why he gets your love everyday_  
_I guess I'll never know it_  
_Love roses_

_Cause your love shines like roses_  
_Beautiful, but when I try to hold it_  
_Cause your love_  
_Cause your love shines like roses_  
_Beautiful, but when I try to hold it_  
_The thorns cut me every time_  
_Don't know why I even try_  
_Still I can't stop reaching for it_

_Roses_  
_Roses_  
_So beautiful_  
_Yeah_  
_But I'll never hold it_  
_Yeah_  
_Yeah_  
_Oh _

The song then ended. I felt salty water on my lips and i raise my hands to my cheek and felt there was water. I look up at the mirror and what i saw really suprised me. I, Spock, a Vulcan who is supposed not to show emotion is.... Crying.

Should i continue? review please? any ideas?


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: hey just a little something for you guys!

Disclaimer: As usual, I do not own Star Trek or its characters.

Why?

Why I am crying?

Is it because of that song? The song that was playing on the cassette tape, did it made me feel this way? I'm puzzled. Anything that concerns Jim makes me curious. What does that song means to him?

From what I heard from the song, the song is about an unrequited love. Is this what has been on the captain's head for awhile? He is in love with somebody on Enterprise?

Is it Nyota? He seems to be on good terms with Nyota and I could see some of the tension seeping out from him and he completely relax when with Nyota. But that couldn't be the case, Nyota is in a fruitful relationship with one of the officers in Engineering department.

Perhaps, it is Ensign Chekov. Jim has been paying a lot of attention to the navigator. Always touching him here and there. Jim always seems to smile a lot with Ensign Chekov. So what's with the unrequited song? From what I observed, Ensign Chekov had nothing except admiration for the captain; surely he will accept Jim's love?

But why do I feel that there was some meaning behind Jim's farewell? Jim said that Leonard is a good man. Obviously, Leonard is a good man. He saved countless number of people without regard for his health. I share deep feelings for Leonard and he also shared deep feelings for me, so there are no complications with our relationship.

"Don't let him go?"

What if? What if the person that Jim is in love with is Leonard? That explains the song and his farewell greeting. Jim is letting his love for Leonard to go for me and Leonard's relationship. He must be hurting inside, silently. Jim could be emotionally compromised and he could lose his position if Starfleet hear about this. Enterprise could lose her well-deserving captain. I must go and tell Leonard about my findings.

I found Leonard in the cafeteria, selecting his favorite food and beverage. I called out his name to get his attention.

"Coming to get your dinner, Spock?" asked Leonard.

"Leo, I have come to report something that may concern us and the captain."

"What is it, Spock? Don't keep me in suspense."

"I believe the captain, Jim have deep romantic feelings for you and have been keeping that feelings to himself because he is aware of our relationship."

"Jim, that kid? How do you know about this, Spock?" asked Leo disbelieving.

"I went to the captain's quarter and I found a cassette player and when I play it, it played a song about unrequited love and just now when he was giving his farewell greeting, he congratulate us and told me not to let you go as you are very good man in his eyes."

"Still, that does not say anything about the kid having feelings about me," said Leo.

"Leo, you of all people know that the captain will not disclose anything if it means that it will hurt anybody. He would rather hurt himself than hurting others."

"Shit, why must this happen now!" claimed Leo.

"Commander, permission to speak freely?" asked Uhura.

"God, Uhura can't you give a man a little warning before talking to us?" shouted Leo.

"With all due respect, Commander and Dr. McCoy, if you weren't so engrossed with your conversation, you would have seen me coming your way."

"Permission granted, Lieutenant."

"Spock, I always considered you to be someone who is rational and very objective but for once I must say that you are wrong in your assumption."

"And may, I ask what that assumption is?"

"The assumption that you made about the captain is in love with ." said Uhura.

"And that is wrong, I assume?"

"Affirmative, Spock."

"How the hell you know about this Uhura? How do you know that Jim is not in love with me?" shouted Leo.

"Because he's in love with Spock! Have been in love for the longest time. But the thing is he knows how to hide his love so that you two lovebirds could have own your fucking relationship without rubbing on his face!"

"He's hurting Spock and there's nobody to help him. He's on his own, Spock!"


	7. Uhura

A/N: There were some minor changes happening in my life and i totally sucked in writing this story...but anyway enjoy. Anyway dedicating this RAVEN166, you are the sunshine in my life...you gave me hope when all i want is to drown myself in this angst story...so let me know alright is it okay? its quite short...sorry...

Disclaimer: I do not own anything its characters ,its story the same old story...blah blah blah..

* * *

"Spock, I have always admired your intelligence and the way you see life as unsolved mystery. But there's one thing that you lack and that is to know when somebody truly love you and would do anything to make you happy."

"Jim, the kindest soul I have ever met. Forgo his feelings for just for both of you. Haven't you noticed that he's not the same Jim that we know? Even though he smile but his smile does not radiate the feeling he's experiencing."

"All his life, nobody loved him. His own mother could not even bear to spare him a glance to see his face and that break his heart a little bit. He grew up without knowing a father's love and his step-father abused him just because he hated Jim's real father. And Jim's brother left him, because he was tired of protecting Jim from their step-father. It's a wonder how Jim could grow up being what he is now. So compassionate, warm and kind."

"He must be thinking that he deserved all this treatment. For he thinks that he cause the death of his father, the lost happiness of his mother, the torture that his brother goes and the abuse that he gotten. And the one person that he really loves and cherished is in love with his best friend, how you could even think that Jim is in love with Leonard, Spock!"

"Understand now, Spock? Even though he portray himself to be a confident and tough leader, inside he's a rumbling mess. Every decision that he made for the Enterprise, he thinks about it more than you, Spock. He evaluates and evaluate until he is satisfied that it's acceptable. And those rumors about him, about being a cheap fuck? He was actually studying, Spock!"

"Yes, I say studying. Life was not all sunshine for Jim, Spock. He was abused far too much and his mental capability is even lower than us but he got an eidetic memory. He started school much later than us, Spock. The normal human beings. When we are in school, worrying about potential partners and home works, he's outside worrying about whether he had enough money to buy food or whether he can still pay his rent. Jim's mother is off planet far too often to take notice and Frank, Jim's step-father could not even bother about Jim. So he grew up alone."

"You must be wondering how I knew all this, Spock. He confessed. Not to me. But to his cassette player. All his frustration, his problems, his love for you is recorded inside there. I went to his room and saw his cassette player. I was curious and I played the player. He must be so tired if he just placed his cassette player anywhere."

"So I'm asking you this again, Spock. How you could even think that Jim is in love with Leonard?"

"He always is talking about you. Spock said this, Spock said that. Spock here, Spock there. His world revolves around you, Spock. You say no, he would not do it. You say yes, he would do it. Do you understand, Spock? He maybe the captain of this ship, but you, Spock as Vulcan as you are is the captain to his shattered heart."

"And I cannot imagine how he intends to continue his love for you while his heart is in shattered pieces."

* * *

URH...I STILL CANT FIND A BETA READER!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: haiz...RAVEN166 help me..! Haiz...

Disclaimer: I do not own the character or its story...

* * *

I should write a letter of recommendation for Sulu. That man is so reliable, efficient and he thinks fast on his toes. He would make a fine Captain one day. After what happened during the last mission, one question had been plaguing my mind.

_Am I'm suited to be her captain?_

I'm not intelligent like Spock, not good with medical facilities like Bones, not a genius in anything like Chekov, could not pilot smoothly like Sulu, could barely repair the engines like what Scotty do, barely understand the Vulcan language like what Uhura is good at and I'm definitely have no experience in command track.

_So why am I here, in this magnificent starship?_

I will probably end up destroying it. I have no qualities that a Captain should have. I'm not that strong like Pike, nor brave like what Dad used to be. So why am I a captain of this ship? The only good quality I have is that I have an eidetic memory. But that's nothing to marvel of. There are many people on the Enterprise who have an eidetic memory.

So to prove my worth, that I'm worthy of this ship,** _cause I got no where else to go_**. I worked doubly hard. I try to absorb any new information that Spock got, I try to be self-reliant on myself when I'm injured or crew mate injured, I try to study and solve new formulas and I challenge myself to pilot the stimulated program and I go down to the engines to help Scotty in repairing the engines even though I hurt myself occasionally and I tried to learn new languages without disturbing anybody. I want to show everybody that even a nobody like me could do what they do.

They are the best crew a captain could ask of. Uhura the beautiful and powerful lady that seems to be the backbone of this crew, her words must not be taken lightly. Chekov the genius of all geniuses, I'm so lucky to have him on my ship. He can think faster than both Bones and Spock can think. Sulu, the brave warrior so loyal to me and the crew. Scotty, the man himself could order enough sandwiches to last him a lifetime and I would not complain. Bones, the CMO of this ship deserve more rest than me because he is always saving people's lives and I'm so grateful that he's in my life.

**Spock**. I can't find a better way to describe him but I know that I'm in love with him and that I will not let him down and I can't let go of him even order him if that will keep him with me. I want him to see that everyday I try to show him a little bit of my love. It's been driving me mad but nothing matters at all, because Spock is in love with Bones. My best friend. And his happiness is all that matters to me.

I wonder should I go to Bones and asked him whether he could check my hearing. Because right now, the only thing I can hear, is the sound of somebody hurting and crying but I can't see that person. The person pain is too much and they sounded like they had lost their heart. I wonder who that person is. I must find them.

* * *

So if you guys pay attention enough, that person who is crying is The jim inside only Jim do not notice that he himself is hurting...poor him...

enough of the angst, next chap is all sunshine people!


End file.
